A couple of years ago I worked with a client, Tessa, who is super smart.
Like, ivy league college smart.
Like, Ph.D. smart.
Like, I’m the boss of my own dentistry practice smart.
Tack on two beautiful and sassy girls and a husband who traveled a lot, she was one of those Superwomen you admired from afar.
“I bet her house is spotless.”
“How does she always look like that?”
“Did she bake those brownies herself?”
Then, when you found out she was on three Boards, Classroom Mom, and actively involved in her church, girrrrl, she radiated untouchable mode.
Yet, I wasn’t surprised when she contacted me about coaching, that the unmistakable “But…” was lurking in the background. “I’m doing so great, really things are just awesome…But…”
“My business is a mess! I’m so behind on my invoices and insurance claims, I’m far behind in getting paid. I’m embarrassed to be double booking or missing appointments and regularly misplacing files. My younger daughter was just diagnosed with A.D.D. My house is overloaded, and overwhelming…” …and no surprise, things with her hubby weren’t as blissful as they seemed.
For the seemingly put together CEO, mom, and wife, she was just as confused and stressed out as the rest of us. Was it the kids? The house? The business? The marriage?
Certainly, a little of all of it. It is a lot to handle, but after a deeper dive into her behaviors and actions, it was clear that there was another, more formidable power at play.
Tessa couldn’t say No. Like ever.
Bake sale? Yes.
Church night? Sign me up.
Grab my dry cleaning? Of course!
Join the committee? With pleasure.
I don’t want to eat that mom. What else can I whip up for you dear?
Yes, ma’am. Yes, sir. Yes, please. Yes, thank you. Yes-siree-bob! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
She was what you might call a People Pleaser. A Giver. A Helper.
aka: A really good woman with a really big heart.
Unfortunately, her desire to please and her inability to say “No”, left her burdened with too many places to be, too many things to do, and too many commitments to tend to.
Which meant her big priorities: kids, biz, hubby, and home, almost always took the backseat to her overcommitted schedule and calendar.
Simply stretched too thin, Tessa felt like she wasn’t doing anything in particularly well in her life.
“I feel like a fraud. Everyone thinks I have it all together, and really, I’m barely keeping my head above water. I feel like I’m in demand every second I’m awake and it makes me want to cry.”
Whoa. Not a fun and rewarding way to live. Especially when you are giving, giving, giving so much. Perhaps that was the problem. Perhaps, she was giving too much?
I hadn’t uncovered the great unknown.
She knew deep down that her lack of boundaries was causing her extreme anxiety.
Even though she loved the fact that she accomplished a lot, it was the risk of constantly feeling unsatisfied and always behind. Tessa definitely didn’t have time to think about a plan or about how to change it.
If this sounds at all eerily familiar, listen up sweet friend!
For every “Yes” you say, you say “No” to someone or something else.
Yes, to coaching the soccer team, means No to making meals those nights.
Yes, to the Director of Events position, means No to Chairing the charity you love.
Yes, to sponsoring the Music Gala, means No to getting the rest you need.
Yes, to taking on another project, means No to watching a movie with the kids Friday night.
Yes, to the partnership, means No to finally writing your book.
Yes, to another party, means No to organizing your home.
We live in a “yes” culture, where it’s expected that the person who is the go-getter says “yes” to everything is the one that will get ahead or be more liked. Meanwhile, it’s the people who learn to say “no” that have more meaningful relationships and careers that really take off.
The Solution
The simplest way I’ve learned to say “no” is to communicate.
People will eventually respect you for taking control of your time and needs. Saying “no” shows you have a vision, a plan, and an opinion. It gives you authority.
Like any skill, there is a right way to communicate and there is a painful, slow, and burdensome way that leaves a pit in your stomach.
If you want to chat about the first way, that one that puts you in control while still being a team player, join me on a free strategy call here.
It’s time to get the right things done WITHOUT the anxiety.
Xo,
Mridu
P.S. Today’s blog was an excerpt from my new Amazon bestseller book: Accomplish It: 7 Simple Strategies To Get The Right Things Done And Achieve Your Goals. Grab one today and learn more about how to feel less stressed and have more joy.
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